Spotting Stars

A while back, I sat down with a friend and chatted about our lives. At some point in the conversation I said, "2013 was a bad year, but 2014 was even worse."

I meant that. 2014 seems to not have delivered what it promised in back on the first day of January. 2014 feels like an emotional rollercoaster with many downhill's. Not many of the dreams I hoped for were realized.

Life can be hard. After sunshine comes rain and after rain comes sunshine. And to be fair often there is rain, sun, snow and a whole lot of different weather fronts moving through our lives at the same time.

A couple of weeks ago, I hit rock bottom. I lost sight of the purpose of living.

Sometimes we need to be in a dark place to see the stars. (Tweet This)

Being in a very dark place allowed me to see what I was grateful for this year.

Hubble Space Telescope image of nebula M1-67 around Wolf–Rayet star WR 124.

Here are some of the highlights:

I got to tick the I-want-to-speak-at-a-wedding-service off my bucket list. Thanks to Martin and Gabi Doyle in the UK! What an epic day!

I got my first individual sports award. Who says you are too old to follow some of your more crazy dreams?

I realize I need help in life and I found some. This might be my next blog post...

I finally started my own business.

On top of those there are the 'normal' ones, the ones I take for granted. I have an awesome family, saw sunsets, travelled overseas, had incredible meetings with all kinds of people, slept on the streets with the homeless, slept in a house, read incredible books, walked the dog, bought sheep that produced baby lambs...

It has been a year of growth and self discovery.

"We count our miseries carefully, and accept our blessings without much thought."  - Anonymous (Tweet This)

What are you grateful for?

For those who are really in a dark place. Remember, there are some small things worth living for and saying thank you for. Life is as it is, but it isn't just all bad. It is a story to be lived. In every story there are hardships and difficult times so the good times are even more appreciated. 

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Worship at a Mosque

I often act like a stereotypical hypocrite.

I strongly dislike people who discriminate against other people. I however prefer people like myself. I don't like admitting it, but it's true.

Years ago, I traveled alone to Nepal. I had a stop over in Dhaka, Bangladesh. I walked off the plane into the stifling hot airport hall. There were some old cruddy benches spread haphazardly all over the place. Unfortunately none of them had more than one free seat.

So I would have to sit too close to a stranger. So where did I go and sit? I went to sit to the person who looked most like me. I sat next to a 'white' - (flesh colour as my boy calls it) - person, rather than next to a 'Muslim' looking person.

I guess this sums myself up to some degree. I want to be an innovator, a leader of change, the guy who steps out in the darkness, but it scares me.

In trying to step out of my comfort zone and in realizing God is bigger than what I have made Him to be, I decided some time ago to visit one of the groups of people who I have stigmatized most.

My favourite joke: "When you see a Muslim getting on the bus with you make sure you sneak close enough to hear if he is ticking."

A horrible joke. A terrible generalization of a minority. Childish and very derogatory.

So after making weeks of excuses about why I should not go to the Mosque, I finally put on my big boy shoes and found enough courage to drive there.

As I arrived, I realized straight away that I had made a mistake. I mean you should have been there with me. In the car park were a couple of men chatting with each other. Scary - I know. They were wearing different clothes than I wear. Their skin was slightly darker.

This sounds ridiculous and it is ridiculous, but I was so uneasy.

I sat in my car for about 5 minutes thinking if I should go in...

I finally opened my door, sucked a fresh breath of air in and put my foot on the ground.

I walked past the group of men who friendly greeted me. I went in the Mosque.

I had no idea what to do... Some people were washing their arms and feet. I just went to sit down at the back and looked around.

It felt weirdly holy and sacred. I expected it to be hostile and 'dangerous', but it felt very much like a place of peace. I liked it. It felt right...

After I sat there for 5 min a man walked up to me and asked me to leave. I was wearing shorts and that was not allowed in the Mosque.

So I left.

I was glad I could go. I felt good sitting back in the safety of my car.

I will go back with long trousers. I want to worship my God with my Muslim fellow humans. This is part of my journey. Facing the fears that are making me into a follower of a corrupt arrogant world system. I need to see the faces of the people behind the things I fear. 

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Life is unfair!

I just got off the phone and said out loud: "Life is unfair!"

My friends have been struggling for like ever with sickness, hospitalization... Last week they had some great news: a little baby boy. Today I found out he is Down Syndrome.

Life is not unfair. Life is as it is. Not in a defeatist kind of way, but life right now is as it is. There is nothing I can change about it. It's not fair or unfair. It just is. 

I have often called life out for it's unfairness. I feel I need a break. I just told one of my friends that I want a break for 6 months to regain some strength, focus and joy. That must be possible? A time where everything goes smoothly for some time?

In the past two years, I have gone through some of the darkest periods of my life. Sometimes I wish I could wake up on the morning of the 6th of September 2012 and not board that plane. Stay... Not follow the voice we believed we heard.

But we boarded our plane and started a new life far, making a new home.

While I sometimes wish this, I also don't want this at all. These last difficult years have taught me more about myself than the 32 years before.

I have come to accept that I don't know what's best for my life. I have come to a place where I trust in God's goodness - God/Being for those who imagine God as a man up there with a stick living on the clouds. he is bigger than our God concept.

I see that all the rubbish I have gone through - and yes some of it is self inflicted - gives me an opportunity to draw closer to God or to call life more and more unfair.

I know saying this is easier than living it and accepting the 'bad' stuff in life.

I have been thinking a lot about Job - for those who don't know. A guy in the bible who was doing really well till God allowed everything to be taken away. His money, status and kids. So he had a really bad time. Life was pretty 'unfair' to him.

He had to make a choice.

'Between stimuli and response lies a space and in that space we have the freedom to choose.' -Victor Frankle. My recommended reading of the week!!!

I can chose to focus on the unfairness of life. It will not make life fairer. I won't 'fix' the wrongs. 

Every 'bad' situation is a chance to draw closer. It is a chance to get to know the real YOU better. The you that is in I am. So let's accept what is and live NOW with God. 

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Recovering...

I used to be a relatively successful youth pastor. I made all the right noises. I loved my job. I was a decent public speaker. I could organise a lush wide game. I had 'results'. Young people connected with the programs I ran.

I was good at telling people what to do.

Christianity defined who I was. My value - my ego was in Christianity, not so much in God. I lived a 'Christian' life because it served me well. It defined who I was.

Does that mean that I didn't love God? I don't think so. I didn't do the 'Christian' living because I am bad, but because I wanted to be someone.

I needed Christianity for my own insecurities to be someone. Being a Christian leader made me somebody. It stroked my ego. I pleased people and in return this pleased me. I was defined as a person by Christian living not by Christ.

 

As I look around, most people seem to be defined by the roles that they live in life. The manager, the submissive housewife, the great mom, The Christian, The successful business owner...

I saw people holding titles when they should have let go.

So I have come to a place where I can let go. I find my security in the deep 'I am' where it connects with the 'Being'.

I am on a journey. I am not sure where it will take it, but I do know that I can only live right NOW.

I still have plans and dreams, but I don't live in them. I don't live for them. I try to absorb NOW. Where I am is. 

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Finding peace in me

For too long I have been spending a lot of my energy on trying to shape my thinking into what and who I want it to think.

Cogito Ergo Sum: I think. therefore I am - by Rene Descartes

I used to believe this 100%. We as humans are different from animals because we think all the time. My thinking defines and decides who I am.

I have been wrestling with my thinking for years and years. If I am honest I have been wrestling with my thinking for as long as I can remember.

This week I had one of the most revealing revelations. I realized that I am more than my thinking. My thinking is not who I am. Often my mind tells me what and who I am, but I am so much more than that. My 'I am' is very different than my ego - The person I think I am.

I allow the past to define who I am. I struggle with worrying about the future. I live in constant conflict in my head with my own self.

This week for the first time in long time I found peace with myself.

The bible often talks about peace, and I never understood it. I always thought it was about not fighting with others, or being happy... Only now I found inner peace is the beginning of joy and true happiness. I found peace with the 'I am' in me. That perfect side of me that is create in God's image.

No longer will I be defined by the past, what other people think or by what looms in the future. I am trying to be present. Live in the now. See now around me. Realize my mind is a tool to be used. It should not use me and rule me.

The past is gone. The Future is not mine yet. I only have NOW. (Tweet This)

So I breath in and out. Stop for moments and try to be present.

This might sound strange. It might sounds like Eastern meditation which is similar in some ways. I believe it is deeper in that I am not trying to check out, but check in deeper in who God created me to be.

I am trying to be real with my feelings and emotions. My heart is as much part of me as my brain. I feel things I don't understand at the moment. I fought those feelings and thoughts. I am now surrendering those feelings to the bigger 'I am'. I am leaving those feelings to God while appreciating that they are there and they are real. Acknowledging that only God can change them. Maybe they are meant to be, Maybe they are neediness for my ego.

For me not living under the control of my mind is a real step towards freedom. Stopping the slavery conducted by my mind. I am finding enlightenment. A freedom to be rather than do. Who I am is no longer defined by others or the outside, what I do, my insecurities or fears. But by going to the 'I am' who lives within me and where 'I am' connects with 'I AM'.

With thank to Eckhart Tolle and Hando Ferreira for walking a different road with me.

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The pursuit of my happiness

I have been feeling unhappy for some time. Too long...

I used to believe that feelings are not that important. I always told others: It's not what you feel, but what you know.

What a load of rubbish. Obviously we can't only live by what we feel, but in the same way we can't just live by what we know. Our feelings and what we know are integral to our being. Denying one is denying a part of ourselves.

I have tried all the twitter sized quotes in my life. Most of them boil down to this statement in one or another way: Happiness is a choice.

 

It's not. You are either happy or you're not. You cannot trick your brain in believing that it's happy while it's not. I know. I have tried it.

When you wake up in the morning feeling down and miserable. Sometimes that feeling stays with you throughout the day. Yes you can choose to have a positive outlook, but that might not make you happy. Maybe just less sad.

A couple of months ago on a flight to Europe I got to catch up on my film backlog. I watched : The Secret life of Walter Mitty. (Which I recommend)

I have been thinking about this film since I have seen it. This guy needed to change some things in his life to find what he needs. He did them in his head for long time until he realized he needed to start living the changes he wanted to see. I guess in someway his pursuit was also about finding happiness. That is what I have decided to do.

I have tried many things:

- Meditating

- worked hard

- rested

- travelled

- praying

- running: it feels good. it hurts. But it is mainly good.

- training

- loosing weight/eating healthy

...

I have considered:

- Anti-depressants - just the knowledge of taking the edge of my feelings worry me. I like my feelings...

- a bong: Just kidding... as much as this seems the answer for some I can't do drugs...

While I write this I also know that in the past couple of months I have been happy at times. I was at one of my best friends wedding. I loved it. I have played with my kids who I adore. I have seen God's beauty around me. I have made new friends.

So I am going to continue my pursuit of happiness. I might need to make some radical decisions like Walter Mitty. So be it. But I have finally come to a place where I believe that being happy is not an evil thought and that yes - shocker oh shocker - God wants and allows me to be happy again.

To end a line from the song cannonball by Damian Rice:

It's not hard to grow when you know that you're just don't know.

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I am the moaning kind.

My week started on a rather challenging note.

Monday, I went to the dentist for a checkup. I knew there was something up with my last and only wisdom tooth, but I didn't really know the extent of the problem until the dentist said: "Do you have enough time so we can remove this wisdom tooth immediately?"

So my wisdom got pulled in the chair. It hurt. The pain became worse and worse. I began to develop what I would describe as a sweet yet disgusting taste in my mouth. Friday, I went back to the dentist who was notably worried as the wound was infecting badly, possibly into my eye......

I started antibiotics. The pain has subsided.

I should have rested during the week.

But I had to keep working to stay on top of the bee work as spring is in the air. Wednesday I worked all through the night looking like a lopsided chipmunk - we transport our beehives at night. But I could not find the strength to do a second all night run. So I got my colleagues to do them. They did a bad job.

I will be apologizing to clients and getting things sorted.

We moved house this week. The whole month of August has been caught in a drought. There has been no rain. Except - yes you guess it - on the day we move in great South African style with a open pick-up (bakkie) and an open trailer. The move still happened, but it took longer and we did a lot more mud cleaning than planned.

The week kind of sucked in many other ways... It just felt like one of those weeks. I moaned a lot, ate a lot of soup in pain, and I started accepting the fact that the week sucked and maybe with it life kind of sucked as well...

I started making agreements with my negative side. I can be so full of self pity. 

This came to a halt when I dropped my nanny Brenda home after a days work. Brenda helped us with our move and works for us once a week. She is always positive.

The photo is a street view from her home. Me and my socially equal friends moan about potholes in our streets. She doesn't even have a street. She has to go and fetch water by the electric pole you see in the distance. Yet she chooses to approach life positively.

I stopped moaning. I apologized to all cosmic powers out there for my self centred behaviour. I will try to approach life positively this week and focus on the good.

La Vita E Bella - Smell it, taste it, feel it

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South Africa's biggest suppression

I am not a South African, although I feel I belong here. I feel African in my veins. I am a pale African. I love this great country. Nelson Mandela felt like a spiritual father to me. He inspires me. 

I am still an outsider. Belonging in this country is difficult. Most communities are pretty closed. They all have their own struggles so we look after our own. In my years that I have lived in South Africa, nothing shocks and annoys me more than the role of the woman in this country. 

We are supposed to be a nation, leading the world when it comes to transformation. We got rid of the cruel discrimination of Apartheid. In the eyes of the world, WE are the leading nation that makes a multicultural society work. I feel there is another fight on our hands - poverty, empowerment, better education and my biggest issue: Female Discrimination. 

Women continue to have a bad deal in this country. This is not connected to race or geographical groups, but a statement that will apply to most of South Africa. In the Zulu culture, men - Like our own President Zuma , have more than one wife. How does that feel for the women? In the Afrikaans culture, women are lucky if they get to leave their kitchen, in the English culture women still have to submit to the men... 

I am surprised that men get away with this constant domination over the female sex. Surely we have moved past these days a long time ago? When Black, Coloured, Indian, White and any other race became "officially equal" in South Africa about 20 years ago, did that also apply in making both sexes equal?

What is it with South African men that they like to dominate their, (but for that matter )every, woman around them. Your family is not an army unit with the man as the general. Woman are secondary citizens in this society. Apartheid was supported by various religious groups who thrived under that system. Today, some of those same and other religious groups still put a strong emphasis on woman submitting and following rather than developing into who they should be. 

Stereotypes still apply in this country. While I have no problem with the woman staying at home to look after the children, I also equally have no problem with women pursuing careers and the men staying at home! Yes men you hear that right! That is an option! This kind of thinking is offensive for too many people. 

I am baffled by the seemingly slow transformation of woman in this society and for that matter in the whole world. We need more women to speak up. We need more input of woman in business, politics and in general life. 

I think the time for woman is arriving to speak up and to be heard. We, men, should be brave enough to listen to the other 51% of the world. 

So if you are a lady reading this. You are not a princess good enough to be fought over and afterwards to be put in a dominating man's castle. You are person, valued, who has something to add to this world. Please find courage and speak up. YOU need to be heard. 

If you are bloke reading this take some time to be silent and create space for the women around us. We might all be surprised how society changes for the better. 

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