For too long I have been spending a lot of my energy on
trying to shape my thinking into what and who I want it to think.
Cogito Ergo Sum: I think. therefore I am - by Rene Descartes
I used to believe this 100%. We as humans are different from
animals because we think all the time. My thinking defines and decides who I
am.
I have been wrestling with my thinking for years and years.
If I am honest I have been wrestling with my thinking for as long as I can
remember.
This week I had one of the most revealing revelations. I
realized that I am more than my thinking. My thinking is not who I am. Often my mind tells me what and who I am, but I am so much more than that. My 'I am' is
very different than my ego - The person I think I am.
I allow the past to define who I am. I struggle with
worrying about the future. I live in constant conflict in my head with my own
self.
This week for the first time in long time I found peace with
myself.
The bible often talks about peace, and I never understood
it. I always thought it was about not fighting with others, or being happy...
Only now I found inner peace is the beginning of joy and true
happiness. I found peace with the 'I am' in me. That perfect side of me that is
create in God's image.
No longer will I be defined by the past, what other people
think or by what looms in the future. I am trying to be present. Live in the
now. See now around me. Realize my mind is a tool to
be used. It should not use me and rule me.
The past is gone. The Future is not mine yet. I only have
NOW. (Tweet This)
So I breath in and out. Stop for moments and try to be
present.
This might sound strange. It might sounds like Eastern
meditation which is similar in some ways. I believe it is deeper in that I am not trying to check out, but check in deeper in who God created me to be.
I am trying to be real with my
feelings and emotions. My heart is as much part of me as my brain. I feel
things I don't understand at the moment. I fought those feelings and thoughts. I am now
surrendering those feelings to the bigger 'I am'. I am leaving those feelings
to God while appreciating that they are there and they are real. Acknowledging
that only God can change them. Maybe they are meant to be, Maybe they are neediness
for my ego.
For me not living under the control of my mind is a real step towards
freedom. Stopping the slavery conducted by my mind. I am finding enlightenment.
A freedom to be rather than do. Who I am is no longer defined by others or the outside, what I
do, my insecurities or fears. But by going to the 'I am' who lives within me
and where 'I am' connects with 'I AM'.
With thank to Eckhart Tolle and Hando Ferreira for walking a different road with me.
