I used to be a relatively successful youth pastor. I made
all the right noises. I loved my job. I was a decent public speaker. I could
organise a lush wide game. I had 'results'. Young people connected with the
programs I ran.
I was good at telling people what to do.
Christianity defined who I was. My value - my ego was in
Christianity, not so much in God. I lived a 'Christian' life because it served
me well. It defined who I was.
Does that mean that I didn't love God? I don't think so. I
didn't do the 'Christian' living because I am bad, but because I wanted to be
someone.
I needed Christianity for my own insecurities to be someone.
Being a Christian leader made me somebody. It stroked my ego. I pleased people
and in return this pleased me. I was defined as a person by Christian living
not by Christ.
As I look around, most people seem to be defined by the
roles that they live in life. The manager, the submissive housewife, the great
mom, The Christian, The successful business owner...
I saw people holding titles when they should have let go.
So I have come to a place where I can let go. I find my
security in the deep 'I am' where it connects with the 'Being'.
I am on a journey. I am not sure where it will take it, but
I do know that I can only live right NOW.
I still have plans and dreams, but I don't live in them. I
don't live for them. I try to absorb NOW. Where I am is.
