I have been
feeling unhappy for some time. Too long...
I used to believe that feelings are not that important. I
always told others: It's not what you feel, but what you know.
What a load of rubbish. Obviously we can't only live by what
we feel, but in the same way we can't just live by what we know. Our feelings
and what we know are integral to our being. Denying one is denying a part of
ourselves.
I have tried all the twitter sized quotes in my life. Most
of them boil down to this statement in one or another way: Happiness is a
choice.
It's not. You are either happy or you're not. You cannot
trick your brain in believing that it's happy while it's not. I know. I have
tried it.
When you wake up in the morning feeling down and miserable.
Sometimes that feeling stays with you throughout the day. Yes you can choose to
have a positive outlook, but that might not make you happy. Maybe just less
sad.
A couple of months ago on a flight to Europe
I got to catch up on my film backlog. I watched : The Secret life of Walter
Mitty. (Which I recommend)
I have been thinking about this film since I have seen it.
This guy needed to change some things in his life to find what he needs. He did
them in his head for long time until he realized he needed to start living the
changes he wanted to see. I guess in someway his pursuit was also about finding
happiness. That is what I have decided to do.
I have tried many things:
- Meditating
- worked hard
- rested
- travelled
- praying
- running: it feels good. it hurts. But it is mainly good.
- training
- loosing weight/eating healthy
...
I have considered:
- Anti-depressants - just the knowledge of taking the edge
of my feelings worry me. I like my feelings...
- a bong: Just kidding... as much as this seems the answer
for some I can't do drugs...
While I write this I also know that in the past couple of
months I have been happy at times. I was at one of my best friends wedding. I
loved it. I have played with my kids who I adore. I have seen God's beauty
around me. I have made new friends.
So I am going to continue my pursuit of happiness. I might
need to make some radical decisions like Walter Mitty. So be it. But I have finally
come to a place where I believe that being happy is not an evil thought and
that yes - shocker oh shocker - God wants and allows me to be happy again.
To end a line from the song cannonball by Damian Rice:
It's not hard to grow when you know
that you're just don't know.
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