Recovering...

I used to be a relatively successful youth pastor. I made all the right noises. I loved my job. I was a decent public speaker. I could organise a lush wide game. I had 'results'. Young people connected with the programs I ran.

I was good at telling people what to do.

Christianity defined who I was. My value - my ego was in Christianity, not so much in God. I lived a 'Christian' life because it served me well. It defined who I was.

Does that mean that I didn't love God? I don't think so. I didn't do the 'Christian' living because I am bad, but because I wanted to be someone.

I needed Christianity for my own insecurities to be someone. Being a Christian leader made me somebody. It stroked my ego. I pleased people and in return this pleased me. I was defined as a person by Christian living not by Christ.

 

As I look around, most people seem to be defined by the roles that they live in life. The manager, the submissive housewife, the great mom, The Christian, The successful business owner...

I saw people holding titles when they should have let go.

So I have come to a place where I can let go. I find my security in the deep 'I am' where it connects with the 'Being'.

I am on a journey. I am not sure where it will take it, but I do know that I can only live right NOW.

I still have plans and dreams, but I don't live in them. I don't live for them. I try to absorb NOW. Where I am is. 

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Finding peace in me

For too long I have been spending a lot of my energy on trying to shape my thinking into what and who I want it to think.

Cogito Ergo Sum: I think. therefore I am - by Rene Descartes

I used to believe this 100%. We as humans are different from animals because we think all the time. My thinking defines and decides who I am.

I have been wrestling with my thinking for years and years. If I am honest I have been wrestling with my thinking for as long as I can remember.

This week I had one of the most revealing revelations. I realized that I am more than my thinking. My thinking is not who I am. Often my mind tells me what and who I am, but I am so much more than that. My 'I am' is very different than my ego - The person I think I am.

I allow the past to define who I am. I struggle with worrying about the future. I live in constant conflict in my head with my own self.

This week for the first time in long time I found peace with myself.

The bible often talks about peace, and I never understood it. I always thought it was about not fighting with others, or being happy... Only now I found inner peace is the beginning of joy and true happiness. I found peace with the 'I am' in me. That perfect side of me that is create in God's image.

No longer will I be defined by the past, what other people think or by what looms in the future. I am trying to be present. Live in the now. See now around me. Realize my mind is a tool to be used. It should not use me and rule me.

The past is gone. The Future is not mine yet. I only have NOW. (Tweet This)

So I breath in and out. Stop for moments and try to be present.

This might sound strange. It might sounds like Eastern meditation which is similar in some ways. I believe it is deeper in that I am not trying to check out, but check in deeper in who God created me to be.

I am trying to be real with my feelings and emotions. My heart is as much part of me as my brain. I feel things I don't understand at the moment. I fought those feelings and thoughts. I am now surrendering those feelings to the bigger 'I am'. I am leaving those feelings to God while appreciating that they are there and they are real. Acknowledging that only God can change them. Maybe they are meant to be, Maybe they are neediness for my ego.

For me not living under the control of my mind is a real step towards freedom. Stopping the slavery conducted by my mind. I am finding enlightenment. A freedom to be rather than do. Who I am is no longer defined by others or the outside, what I do, my insecurities or fears. But by going to the 'I am' who lives within me and where 'I am' connects with 'I AM'.

With thank to Eckhart Tolle and Hando Ferreira for walking a different road with me.

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The pursuit of my happiness

I have been feeling unhappy for some time. Too long...

I used to believe that feelings are not that important. I always told others: It's not what you feel, but what you know.

What a load of rubbish. Obviously we can't only live by what we feel, but in the same way we can't just live by what we know. Our feelings and what we know are integral to our being. Denying one is denying a part of ourselves.

I have tried all the twitter sized quotes in my life. Most of them boil down to this statement in one or another way: Happiness is a choice.

 

It's not. You are either happy or you're not. You cannot trick your brain in believing that it's happy while it's not. I know. I have tried it.

When you wake up in the morning feeling down and miserable. Sometimes that feeling stays with you throughout the day. Yes you can choose to have a positive outlook, but that might not make you happy. Maybe just less sad.

A couple of months ago on a flight to Europe I got to catch up on my film backlog. I watched : The Secret life of Walter Mitty. (Which I recommend)

I have been thinking about this film since I have seen it. This guy needed to change some things in his life to find what he needs. He did them in his head for long time until he realized he needed to start living the changes he wanted to see. I guess in someway his pursuit was also about finding happiness. That is what I have decided to do.

I have tried many things:

- Meditating

- worked hard

- rested

- travelled

- praying

- running: it feels good. it hurts. But it is mainly good.

- training

- loosing weight/eating healthy

...

I have considered:

- Anti-depressants - just the knowledge of taking the edge of my feelings worry me. I like my feelings...

- a bong: Just kidding... as much as this seems the answer for some I can't do drugs...

While I write this I also know that in the past couple of months I have been happy at times. I was at one of my best friends wedding. I loved it. I have played with my kids who I adore. I have seen God's beauty around me. I have made new friends.

So I am going to continue my pursuit of happiness. I might need to make some radical decisions like Walter Mitty. So be it. But I have finally come to a place where I believe that being happy is not an evil thought and that yes - shocker oh shocker - God wants and allows me to be happy again.

To end a line from the song cannonball by Damian Rice:

It's not hard to grow when you know that you're just don't know.

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I am the moaning kind.

My week started on a rather challenging note.

Monday, I went to the dentist for a checkup. I knew there was something up with my last and only wisdom tooth, but I didn't really know the extent of the problem until the dentist said: "Do you have enough time so we can remove this wisdom tooth immediately?"

So my wisdom got pulled in the chair. It hurt. The pain became worse and worse. I began to develop what I would describe as a sweet yet disgusting taste in my mouth. Friday, I went back to the dentist who was notably worried as the wound was infecting badly, possibly into my eye......

I started antibiotics. The pain has subsided.

I should have rested during the week.

But I had to keep working to stay on top of the bee work as spring is in the air. Wednesday I worked all through the night looking like a lopsided chipmunk - we transport our beehives at night. But I could not find the strength to do a second all night run. So I got my colleagues to do them. They did a bad job.

I will be apologizing to clients and getting things sorted.

We moved house this week. The whole month of August has been caught in a drought. There has been no rain. Except - yes you guess it - on the day we move in great South African style with a open pick-up (bakkie) and an open trailer. The move still happened, but it took longer and we did a lot more mud cleaning than planned.

The week kind of sucked in many other ways... It just felt like one of those weeks. I moaned a lot, ate a lot of soup in pain, and I started accepting the fact that the week sucked and maybe with it life kind of sucked as well...

I started making agreements with my negative side. I can be so full of self pity. 

This came to a halt when I dropped my nanny Brenda home after a days work. Brenda helped us with our move and works for us once a week. She is always positive.

The photo is a street view from her home. Me and my socially equal friends moan about potholes in our streets. She doesn't even have a street. She has to go and fetch water by the electric pole you see in the distance. Yet she chooses to approach life positively.

I stopped moaning. I apologized to all cosmic powers out there for my self centred behaviour. I will try to approach life positively this week and focus on the good.

La Vita E Bella - Smell it, taste it, feel it

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